Hello, my name is Itunu and this is my story.
This year has brought with it the most difficult months I have lived through. January 14 is a day that would live long in my memory. It was that day the result of my professional exam was released.
You see, I am an accountant and I wrote my ICAN Skills Level exam. It was my third trial. I had passed Financial Reporting and Public Sector Accounting, but Management, Governance, and Ethics, as well as Performance Management, were proving to be my downfall.
It hurt because some of my friends who I tutored had passed and qualified as Chartered Accountants.
The six months leading to the exam in November 2017 were the most intense reading phase of my life. I read every single day. Every! Single! Day! Well, the results were released and guess what? I failed. I scored 48 in MGE and 46 in PM; the pass mark was 50. That night, I cried my eyes out. I switched off my phone and called in sick the next day. I couldn’t face the inevitable questions that would follow. My boyfriend was at my place that afternoon and really helped console me. My dad, mum, and siblings also called; they were in Ekiti so they could not come over.
After a week of tears and turmoil, I picked myself up again. The righteous falls seven times and rises eight. Something like that. I would try again. I would not give up. My story would be an example for people in the future. By God’s grace, I will make an impact in my generation. Those were the things I told myself.
A few weeks later, as I was getting on my feet, something else happened. February 14 was Valentine’s Day and my Love was unusually cold. He took me out after work and got me flowers but I could see that he was not his normal self. I quizzed him but he batted away my questions with some rumbling about pressure at work and other things. I wasn’t satisfied but I let it go. Three days later, on the 17th day of February, I got a text: “Hello dear. How are you doing? We need to talk.” As I finished reading the text, I broke down in tears. It was over. My relationship was over! I just knew it! What did I do to deserve this? Why! Why?
Later that evening, we met and my fears were confirmed. He said he had been considering a lot of things and that he felt a break-up was the best option, for the future and not necessarily because of the present. I asked if I had done anything wrong. He shook his head and said the textbook phrase: “It is not you, it is me.” I smiled through the tears. “Thank you.” I couldn’t say more intelligible words. He patted me as I wept. After I composed myself, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. Physically. But also, emotionally.
It is 3 weeks and a day, today. My ex has called a couple of times since then. He wanted to know if I’m fine. It is strange calling him my ex and I am just getting used to it. I appreciate his kind heart and concern, but it doesn’t reduce the hurt that much.
After church, when everyone had left, I went to the children’s church and cried my heart out. I wept and told God how everything was going south and my life was in shambles. I had failed my exams. I had lost the one I loved the most. At this point, I was beginning to doubt if God really loved me. If he did, why didn’t he add the marks I needed to pass the exams? 2 for MGE and 4 for PM. Surely, He could do that. After all, He says nothing is impossible with him. So why didn’t he help me? Six months of study. Weeks of tutorials. Days without sleep. Failure.
As if that wasn’t enough, he didn’t stop the one I loved the most from walking away. Why! Why? Hadn’t He promised so much? Why didn’t He intervene? Why? Why? I kept asking. After a while, I went quiet, more out of exhaustion that awe. Then, I heard in my Spirit, “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” I went cold. “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.” At this point, I was scared.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?”
“Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’?”
At this point, I cried: “I am sorry, Lord”. As I saw the sheer enormousness of God, I was reminded of His sovereignty. The fact that he is God. God of all. God all by Himself. He does what He wants when He wants and how He wants.
As I left the children church earlier today, I didn’t have the answers I thought I would have; the divine voice of God saying Sorry or explaining why things happened the way they did. But, today, I have a calm assurance in my heart. God is sovereign. He is all-knowing. I don’t know why things are turning out this way, but I trust God. He works all things out for my good when I love Him and act according to His commands. I don’t know how, when, why, where and several other things, but I know God. That is enough.
Today is March 11, 2018. Today is a landmark moment in my life. Today, I have grown greatly.
About our guest writer
Ire is a Christian who enjoys reading, writing, listening to music and watching football.